I live the the middle of nowhere. I mean seriously. I live about 10 miles past Boondock Rd. A small mountain range stands between me and civilization. This place is great, though! It’s quiet, I’m about 10 minutes away from flatlands where I can get great storm photos. I love it. But my choices in internet were limited, to say the least. No self respecting cable company would run a line up a road with 3 houses in the middle of the country. DSL and dial-up would both require I get local phone service which is $40/mo in and of itself, not counting the ISP. So it was down to mobile “broadband” or satellite internet. Neither had a sterling reputation, but the way I figured it, I could take the mobile internet storm chasing with me.

I’ve been with Verizon for over 10 years. I’ve bitched and griped about them for just as long, but everyone else has bitched and griped about their other services, too, so I figured it was an across-the-board thing. So I went to them, asking about their mobile internet. I gave them my address, and viola!! It’s in the coverage area!! Not just the coverage area, but the 3G AREA!!! Ooh la la!! (Forgive all the French) I signed up with them, brought my new Netbook home (that’s another rant for another day), and got online! Err… well… I tried to get online. I sat on the front porch: nothing. Tried it in the kitchen: nada. Couch in the living room: nope. The recliner in the living room: OH HOSANNA, A CONNECTION!!! I HAVE INTERNET!!

Now for Facebook. Ahem. Now for Facebook. … AHEM… NOW for Facebook. Oh, there it is. Finally. Why am I hearing the faint echoes of years past when a modem tone signaled my entry onto the World Wide Web? That’s right. The legendary 3G “broadband” that my house is so gloriously included in is about as fast as my old 14.4 kbps modem!

By God, I was going to call somebody to complain! So I dialed the number and hit “Send.” Connecting…… connecting….. connecting…. “Your call could not be connected. Retry?” Yes. Connecting…… connecting… *5 minutes later* “…Retry?” Yes. Connecting…. conne- CONNECTED!! I put my phone up to my ear, ready to verbally berate the poor soul on the other end when I heard a beep. “Call was lost.”

In a fit of rage, I grabbed my keys, almost drove my car off the road in a few places, got back to the Verizon store, and was promptly told that I’d signed the contract and was now stuck with my shitty service for the next two years.

Since then, I’ve found one other place I get a signal (the southeast corner of my bed). My phone has to be set up at such a precise angle that I drove nails into my window sill to keep it propped up and even then it will magically take spells where it just refuses to send or receive texts for hours, then suddenly (usually around 3am) it receives every text I’ve been sent since 6pm and begins beeping incessantly as it delivers each and every one. As for phone calls? There’s a spot around a mile and a half away from my house that I have to cut off all conversations before my lack of signal does it for me.

So Verizon and their 3G coverage can kiss my ass, right where they take a big juicy bite out every month for their shitty service.